When I was younger I would envision what it would be like to be a Mother. In my mind it was the most beautiful thing. I would have these little humans to love unconditionally. We would create all these beautiful memories. Even though I knew at times I would feel overwhelmed, I could always keep sight of my little family and just know that everything was going to be alright. So it really isn’t shocking when I got married at the young age of twenty I started to yearn for that imaginary family.
I remember being so ecstatic when the pregnancy test came back positive. My entire pregnancy I would feel my little baby moving and could not wait to meet her. When she finally did come I instantly felt that love and connection that parents talk about. I would die for this being, I would do anything for this little girl to be safe. I felt the same way for my son. My two are only twenty months apart and apparently I did not know what I was getting into. Reality set in quickly.
Here is something you need to understand. I love my children. I wouldn’t change anything about them, and I truly cannot imagine life without them. However now they are 1 and 3. If I were to be honest with myself its at this stage in life I absolutely hate being a Mom. I know how terrible of me to say. I cannot however lie. I hate always being needed, I hate that I had to give up so much of my life, I hate that my body is different, I hate cleaning up pee and poop on the ground multiple times a day, I hate changing diapers, I hate that no matter how much I clean the damn house it is never clean, I hate never feeling rested, I hate how much I miss my old life, I hate feeling like I might fail my babies, I hate the stress everyday and how every single day feels like the day before, and I hate not being able to leave the house without it taking 45 minutes to get out the door. I absolutely hate being a Mom.
I used to feel guilty for this feeling. I asked for this after all. Yet when I finally told myself that it was alright to feel this way I started to feel better. I am still a person with complicated emotions, and needs. I used to quietly imagine running away to an ocean never to return. Here is the thing, even in my fantasies, I begin to miss my children. So yes I hate being a Mom but I love all the beautiful moments. I love when my toddler says “I love you.”, when the baby kisses my cheek. When my kids and husband are all lying in bed together on Sunday morning and we all are laughing about something one of my kids is doing. I love the cuddles, the goodnights, and the joys. Being a Mom taught me a valuable lesson. Two opposing emotions can exist at the same time and nothing is wrong with that. I hate being a Mom but I love being one also.