My Life After Leaving Christianity
The pastor is on the stage and everyone is listening intently as he talks about the purpose that the love of God brings to our life.
“You are redeemed!” he says. “There is nothing you could do to seperate yourself from the love of God.”
People clap, some nod along, and others have tears running down their cheeks.
The slow guitar starts behind him as the congregation stands up to worship. The guitarist is crying.
“God I am nothing without you!” He says as everyone cheers.
We are worthless without this God that came to save us all. Someone prays behind me putting their hands gently on my shoulder. “You are enough.” They whisper in my ear. “God makes you enough.”
The tears fall fresh as I surrender to this experience.
This experience is not something I went through once as a christian but many times. I was nothing without God was a firm belief that I held tightly. I thought all my strength came from him and I could not understand how anyone could live not believing in a savior.
Then I became one of those people.
The realization of the toxicity of that mindset was the first thing I noticed. If I ever told my own children they were “nothing” without me it would be borderline emotionally abusive.
I started to live life with the idea that I was more than enough and I did not need a creator to validate that.
Leaving the church felt like coming up from drowning. I did not have to base my decisions around an invisible God in the sky, I could simply just be. I could enjoy life without the pressure of evangelizing those around me. I finally could enter into authentic relationships with love and understanding of different viewpoints.
I now believe in everything and I believe in nothing.
Sometimes I wonder about all the beauty I missed out on all those years because I had been indoctrinated into a manipulative, abusive belief system.
I can finally breath again.
